confessions of a girl who just released an ep

Sometimes it feels like I'm not cut out for something as emotionally taxing as being an artist. 

Before I threw the towel in I tried to hide behind writing for other people and playing in someone else's band and singing what they wrote.

I used to think the stuff I wrote was made up. Then my therapist told me I probably mean everything I say. That was a blow. 

I have a sensitivity I've learned to overcome, the kind where you can't really tell. Most people think I'm pretty removed, but I've just mastered the art of retreating, carefully and slowly. So you can't tell I've slipped into the bathroom before I come right back. Or that I've been holding the same drink in my hand for three hours.

Every song I make is me at my extremes exemplified. And then when I think about other people hearing them I'm rocking myself to sleep.

And then I do it anyway. And it's not because I am a masochist. And it's not because of my high tolerance for pain. You try to "heal" and do good and try sobriety and try celibacy and try yoga and try running and try to put the pen down but you're not a person without what made you human in the first place. 

The truth is my love for music will outlive me. This is something I've stopped fighting. As hard as I've tried to lose myself in other passions and careers I'm always brought back hopelessly. Like a cat who has run away and still lingers by the door. Always reminding you that this was once its home. 

Music is the only thing that's been constant in my life, and by now I think it's the only thing that will stay. 

Soda was my impatience and insecurities loaded up inside a confetti gun. All of its songs were first greeted by live audiences and danced to by my best friends in venues I'd spent so many nights in. The record feels like a scrapbook. Playing live gave me many firsts. My first 15-person diner nights, my first green room arguments, my first breakdowns over missing XLR cables. It made me the happiest person I'd ever been, for the first time. 

I wrote I Know What It's Like first, with Tea at their old apartment. I remember the whole song just having a blue color to it. I debuted it with KXSC and then later Cassidy and I made a music video to it.

Mean came next. Tea sat on my floor one Saturday and I played them this demo I had and they made me sing the song 10x slower. And thats why everyone came to love it.

Telling Secrets came in November of last year. Originally titled "Lead Me", Lizzie and I wrote it in like two hours for a songwriting class, where we first met. We bonded over the Smashing Pumpkins so the song has that line about a bullet in it.

Hurt Me was next. It was a voice recording I recorded while I was trying to watch the moon from the tiny window in my old bathroom. I kept thinking "you could be", "I could be" hmmm. And I looked myself in the mirror while my recording button was still on and freestyled the entire first verse.

Pour It On Me was last, though it always comes first on the setlist. We wrote it in the basement of Phi Sig where Sagan kept his drum kit. The floors were sticky with beer and I kept telling them I wanted to write a song about a party girl. And Sagan said, "I really like Deftones". There you go.

Most of my songs I write "and" between the lines.

Like i wanna go on and on and on. 

sometimes I stop myself, change the language

but I think I won't anymore.