Latinas Love Hard - Xio
Karla asked me to write a piece for her cool girl blog for Valentine’s Day. As a fellow Latina who loves too hard, I accepted the offer (of course!!) I wanted to get creative with it and be quirky or something, but of course someone came to mind immediately. I knew I couldn’t write this about anyone or anything else. I won’t name names, but if you’ve known me the past 2 years, you’re going to know exactly who this is about.
A couple months into the two of us dating, my therapist told me “I think this is the first person you’ve ever dated that you actually like.” It was pretty out of pocket to willingly fall in love with a super hot chick I met at Blue Mondays that I made out with on a whim in the photobooth in front of my (now our) friends and then fucking in the bathroom. Crazy thing to reckon with the next day when I was finally sober. AND it was the first time I had been with a woman. I kinda just went with it, we met intensely but organically and in between seeing each other in person we’d still be flirting with each other non-stop. I miss that sometimes, trying to impress someone you’re attracted to and want so badly you calculate what you post and what you say to make them stay.
You told me months later that when we’d see each other in the beginning you’d just shut up. I brought you to all of my classes the third time we ever saw each other, I thought it would be fun. I couldn’t tell you were nervous, even though I remember you being pretty quiet. I would make you nervous. That is so fucking funny to think about now.
Some of it was rocky, I hid so much of my dissatisfaction and discomfort as I had with all of my past relationships. You broke up with me November 1st 2022, together for 7 months and some change. What I didn’t know was how much better everything would get after. I didn’t have to impress you anymore. I was completely and authentically myself and you actually seemed to like that more than the person I manufactured myself to be that I thought you’d want to date. I miss going to your mom’s apartment all the time, sleeping in your bed and I’d get all sweaty, watching movies in your garage with your kitty. I’d bear that hour long drive to you anyday, and I did. It was worth it just to get to fall asleep next to you.
It took me time to learn to love you. I had to hate you and truly get free to love you. I learned your habits, your mannerisms, what you love and what you hate and why and what makes you mad and how I can get under your skin. Sometimes I wanted revenge. Things were good until I saw you with other people. Do you know how badly it made me want to stab myself in front of you meanwhile I’m trying to be the “cool girl” so you could stay in my life. I don’t know if anything has ever hurt my feelings so badly. It definitely was not always easy and I had to start shutting up again before I would tell you things about you and the stupid ugly loser good for nothing broke ass bums that I hate and should die that would make you cut me off forever. I felt at home in your arms. And I still do.
We’ve seen so many seasons alongside each other, we certainly don’t look how we did when we met. But some things have stayed the same. I love watching our quirky old black and white French movies together wearing fun hats. I love sharing a big sandwich with you. I love stealing from Target with you, I love when we both need to leave a social gathering at the same time because we’ve had enough of the world and just want to be with one another. Because being around each other is easy. I love waking up laying on your chest and seeing your eyeliner smudged around your eyes. I love when you make me coffee and put an oreo in it while it’s still piping hot so it melts. I love smelling your Lâncome La Vie est Belle perfume on your neck when you hug me. I love laying on
With All the Love I Have,
Xio
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